Tag Archive: Gay


Homosexuality

I came on here today to write my next blog for my English class, but instead I have turned my attention momentarily to something I feel very passionate about.

I clicked on a “homosexual” tag and it brought up an article by The Young and The Restless Catholic, entitled “Are you born gay, or do you choose to be gay?”

The link to that article is here, and my response is below.

 

I believe that it easy to misunderstand homosexuality if it isn’t something you have dealt with yourself, or if you don’t have a very close gay friend or sibling willing to let you in on all the messy and confusing thoughts. I have tried to explain myself to straight friends and they can’t seem to grasp what I am saying. I open my mouth, and already my gay friend understands.
I do not know David Bosen, I have never met him, but I have met and read about plenty of men that have “Left Homosexuality.” For a long time I thought that I could do it too. I did all the right things according to my religious upbringing, but nothing, no one, nada could change me. I started looking into the men that had supposedly changed, and I found a load of bull.

It took me years to accept myself, and start to grow beyond the bigotry of my upbringing. When you deny homosexuality to yourself you are suppressing a part of who you are.  And that comes with dire consequences. Sure people can not act on those homosexual feelings anymore, but the thoughts will never leave. If I were to walk past Mr. Bosen today (again I don’t know him, but I know plenty like him), I guarantee I would catch his eye.

When you suppress part of who you are, you can never really, truly, be you. And if you can’t really be you, then who are you? What are your likes and dislikes? Those things are all decided by the environment in which you reside, and though you may claim to like something, pretend to like something, maybe even convince yourself you like something, all you are doing is putting up a facade, wearing a mask.  This is detrimental to your health, especially when you are young and impressionable.

Think of it like this.  Everyone has a favorite color, maybe we don’t think of it like that anymore now that we are adults, but there is a color that sticks out to each and everyone of us, that turns our faces just a little when we scan over it.  For me, my favorite color is green, specifically forest greens or antiqued greens.  Whether I am looking at wall paints, toe nail polish, or a dress, those colors always catch my eye.

Now, suppose growing up you loved green.  Everything about it, the warm earthy tones, the comforting shades, the calming sensations, but your parents and friends all told you that the color green was evil.  Deep down, inside, you know that you love that color, but you trust the people around you, so you try to not think about green, you try to force yourself to like blue or purple instead, but you dream in green.  You are torn up, to everyone around you it appears as if you are fine, but deep down inside you HATE the colors blue and purple, all you want is to sleep in a green room.  You feel guilty, your religion and god tell you that to like the color green means you go to hell.  You pray, you read, you cry out, nothing seems to work.  It must be you, you must not be doing something right, you just have to try harder, work harder, pray harder.  You reach the end of your rope.  You like green, you know that, you can’t deny that, but you know that that means you will go to hell.  You grow sick and tired of pretending to like the other colors of the rainbow, none of them bring you the comfort that green does.  You have two choices, the first) continue to live as you are, suppressing your love of green, and live in a blue world, and pretend to be okay with it, but be secretly miserable, or second) call it quits.  You have tried to stick it out, you have prayed for change, you have sought help, but nothing works.   It has now been years and years that you have been denying your true love, and it has destroyed you inside.  No longer do you see the world as wondrous and beautiful, a planet to be explored, but as a hell hole.  A place where people that don’t like the color green grow and thrive, while you and those like you deny and suffer, a self inflicted punishment wrought by the believe that you are inherently not good enough.  Struggle with that long enough, and even the most life loving individual would take the plunge off the deep end.

That may be a very innocent, or maybe naive analogy, but it gets to all the points pretty simply.  To deny who you are, is to destroy yourself.

Ironically, my religious background taught that to let go and give to god was to have freedom and relief, a fresh start, however, I didn’t find those things till I let go and trusted myself, turning my back on my past.

I never used to believe I was good enough, I believed I deserved to be punished, and in fact should be punished.  From small things like being proud on a particularly good exam (pride), to feeling guilty if I didn’t help a friend even if I was busy (selfishness), to fantasizing about a male teacher (lust and homosexual thoughts, double wammy).  Once I stopped using the old standard of judging myself, and allowed my mind to open, I realized that those feelings are human!  I wasn’t a terrible human being for feeling or doing those things, I was simple being human.

Now that is not to say that I am now a prideful, selfish, lustful homosexual, I just don’t belittle and berate myself for having those occasional issues.  I believe in balance, karma if you will, be good to others and others will be good to you.

Freeing myself from my old standards has opened my eyes, shown me (once again) the wondrous and beautiful planet in which I live on, that is waiting to be explored.  I now believe that I am good enough (there is a drastic difference between arrogance and confidence), I believe that I am a good person, and I don’t deserve to be in misery and pain, and I now believe loving another man can be a beautiful thing.

 

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This weeks English class blog question caused me to pause for a minute.  What event did change me?  The simple answer, all of them, and none of them.  Let me explain.  This summer I focused heavily on myself, my problems, and my past.  Not in an egotistical way, but one that would help better me as a person.  During that time time I started to go back and track growth throughout my life.  It showed me how much I had already changed, areas I should revert back to, and areas where I was wrong both then and now, and still needed evaluating.  Even though all of them helped shape me into who I am, no single event defines who I am.

For my response to the blog question though, I would have to answer; The event that defines who I am, would have to be coming out as a gay man.  Now above I said no single event defines me, and coming out was no single event either.  I had several coming outs, which used to be the norm, but now-a-days kids are coming out younger and more to everyone at the same time, rather than in waves like I did.  The process of me coming out was around a two year period.

Everyone always wants to know, did I always know I was gay?  The answer, yes.  Or, as aware of my sexuality as any young child is.  I remember being 5 to 8 years old, my aunt bought me a human physiology CD Rom.  You could see all the different parts and systems of the body.  Bones, nervous system, the veins, as well as being able to see the man (or woman) completely nude.  It was an educational disk, and I learned a lot about bones which I always found cool.  But I also liked to look at “Adam,” as the male version was called.  Adam usually had a fig leave covering his privates, but with the click of a button you could remove that.  Not knowing about sex or even sexuality at the time, I didn’t know why I liked Adam and not Eve, but that was just how it was.

Fast forward to my early teens and I had confusing feelings.  All the guys around me suddenly became interested in females, when just the summer before we thought they were gross.  I was confused further when I became more interested in my guy friends, than I did about the girls they were talking about.  I always kept it hidden, it was my dirty secret, no one could know, and no one did know, not for a long time.  When I was 17 I confessed to my parents that I was “struggling” with homosexuality, and I wanted help.

Anytime you suppress a part of who you are, a defining characteristic, you run into problems.  Stress, depression, anger, bitterness, and the list could go on.  With more years of “struggling” with my sexuality, of seeking help from professionals and other gay men that had “left homosexuality,” years and years of prayers and tears, I still was unable to change.

I spent my first two years at a pretty famous Christian college, and sought help, prayer, and the bible for answers.  But while I watched prostitutes, drug deals, and woman abusers all seemingly grow and change, the one “sin” that was never able to be helped was that of one man loving another.  I stuck with the college though, confessing to more and more people I was “gay, but working on it,” and went on to apply and be accepted within the school for missions work in Brazil.  That fall I had five online courses, a full time job, I was working on support fundraisers and news letters, and I was busy going around to other churches and groups of people to raise awareness and support.

In February of 2011, a month before I was due to go to Brazil, the school called up and dismissed me.  They wouldn’t give a straight answer (and still won’t to this day), but I was being “let-go” (as they called it), because of my sexual orientation.  Something that is literally not able to be controlled.

In hindsight I probably could have legally pressed them for that, but at the time I was too hurt to even tell anyone.  That might have been difficult at the time to handle, I see now that it was the catalyst that would start my growth, or probably more aptly, my re-birth.  No, I am not talking any form of mythical Phoenix death and re-birth, but a new start and out look on life.

Fast forward another two years, to the present day, and you have a maturing and proud homosexual man.  One that is not afraid to be different (where I used to hate being different), one that is not afraid to be true to me (even when others don’t accept me), one that realizes being gay isn’t a choice, and ISN’T a sin.  In other words, a brand new man.

It may not have been a single event, or even a short period of time, but coming out has defined who I am today, and it has taken years, more than a decade honestly, to be able to say this, but I am proud to have been born gay.